Stories held hostage

This week I was listening to Rabbi Julia Neuberger give a short sermon on Pause for thought, a long running albeit short segment, on the BBC Radio 2 breakfast show.  In this particular Thought, she discussed about the new Holocaust stories, that are still emerging, after all this time. People, she said, didn't want to die with their stories trapped inside them, and even in their 90's, were sharing them for the first time.  'No one should face their death with your story untold and your music inside you'.  'Don't die with your music still inside you.'  This sentence really resonated with me! Julia said that we all have stories to tell, whether extreme or seemingly ordinary - all are valid and important.

I have always said that music is the food for your soul.  Our stories are the lyrics of how our lives are too.  Us humans are social creatures, we need companionship, we need to speak to others about our day and to say the words in our head out loud for SOMEONE to hear, to listen, to interact and respond.  Perhaps that is why loneliness is so utterly soul destroying.  Isolation, no one to talk to, no one to listen to you, no one to care for, no one to care for you, time to turn inwards and self destruct, talking to yourself, rambling on to anyone you meet (and watching the alarm that causes) and finally feeling like you are invisible and that the world has forgotten about you.  Sure there's social media but seeing your friends posting pictures and live videos of them having a good time without you, triggers so many negative emotions. You become hopeful when they all share the 'look out for lonely friends and reach out to them' posts... but no one does. You aren't included. You have to suck it up and get on with it. Smile and pretend it's not hurting you.

I love cooking for people. I love to eat food with people. When you eat alone, you're just fuelling your body or feeding your woes. When you eat with others, you interact with people, you take your time eating, you savour the food and you enjoy it.  Eating alone sucks. You end up not cooking yourself anything because it's just you. So it's bowls of cereal instead of proper meals, weight gain because depression suppresses your appetite and your body starves for calories, fluids and the company of someone, ANYONE to remind you that you are part of the human race.  Lonely people are slowly dying inside. Everyone can see it, few realise their company can cure it.

These last 2 years have seen a lot of friends mainly leave my life. You can't help but wonder why. What is it about you that makes you so easy to discard, when previously you were valued? This applies to exes too! I had such a close knit group of friends, not even that long ago. Life takes us all off in different directions, friends come and go... but so many went around the same time.  It really hurt me.  I blame myself but then I get angry at that because I didn't do anything wrong for them to do that. The really painful bit is the realisation that they had so little respect for you, such low worth of your friendship, that they could just go from your life without even an argument or real reason.  How does it go from one extreme to another, so quickly?  These are the questions that tear me up inside. Of course, I'm far too tough to admit it and I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I'm vulnerable.  I am. Sure, I've made mistakes but ultimately, I was more a friend to them, than they were to me. I hate saying that.

My story comprises mostly of pain. If I was a book character, I'd like to be Elizabeth Bennett, she's fiesty, intelligent and astute!  Did you know that I've written a book?  A collection of poems, musings, blogs and photographs I've penned since I was 13. Blimey, that was a decade ago!  Book 2 would look like what? Not very interesting I think.  My stories are stuff of horror.  I really shouldn't be here to type this.  I can't seem to remember my other stories, ones that aren't written in pain and injustice, they've been blocked out by the bad. Normal memories are gone, bad ones remain.  Laughter chases them away, loneliness brings them back and amplifies them.  I don't want to die with my stories trapped inside of me, not these stories anyway.  I want some normal tales to tell. Normal for me shouldn't be what my life has been so far.  I've had counselling in the past. I am a survivor. I've overcome. Call me a victim and I'll get really angry, really fucking quickly.  Back in 2001, I went through more traumatic incidents in 6 months, than most people face in a life time. I wouldn't wish any of that on anyone.  Counselling helped to a degree but I just can't get past it, it's still consumes me and affects my life still.  When bad things happen to you, you've lost control of your narrative, so then develop a defensive mechanism to regain control, usually it's really unhealthy.  The more I look into it, the more I realise I have PTSD.  It is my intention to ask my GP to refer me for more therapy but specialised.  I don't have control, I am controlled by past trauma, which triggers panic attacks etc.

The tops of my socks have been pulled off.  Sucking it up didn't work.  I am broken.  I need my friends to be my friends. I don't mind the solitude but I can't survive this loneliness.  I don't want your pity.  This isn't a poor me post.  I was there for many when their worlds crumbled around them. I was there to pick them up, dust them off and build them back up.  Everyone has their own lives to live, I understand that. Stop being so fucking selfish!  People kill themselves and then we say 'oh, why didn't they say anything?' they did. you weren't paying attention. Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Good. Sharing 'reach out' posts on Facebook means fuck all if you don't walk your talk.  Did you know I created a secret group for some friends who feel they can't share their down time with their FB friends?  Cries for help get ignored. It's 'drama'. It's attention seeking. It's well outside your comfort zone and you'd rather click like on cat pictures, than reach out to a friend in crisis.   No one says you have to rescue us but what you can't do, is PRETEND to give a shit, tell people you're there for them and 'you're always listening', and then IGNORE those who are trying to reach out.  My group exists because of people like that.  You aren't a good person for sharing that meaningless shit, it's purely YOU seeking attention, wanting approval for being someone you're not. For example: I share that I'm feeling down, I get 2 comments and 7 likes. I share some silly video or funny meme and I get 20+ comments and nearly 100 likes!  That's disgraceful!

I don't want this to be the only story I have to tell but it's the one I'm living in right now.  If you don't bother with me and then ask me how I am, I'm going to blurt out how I feel because it's been building up, ready to burst. I have other things to say but when you're not around, you won't hear the good stuff. My group do! If you aren't there for me when I am down, then you don't deserve to be my friend when it's going well.

The music inside me is beautiful. That is the story I want to tell.

I Survived

The other night I was watching tv and suddenly had the urge to write something down. I've not written a poem for a couple of years and haven't felt the need to blog since last year.  I think I was flipping through the tv guide on the screen when I saw a show listed called 'I survived'. Well that just opened a floodgate and my pen spewed this lot out.  Yes it rhythms but meh...


She survived far too much to remember
she got over your words so cruel
she toughened her heart not to cry
she became hard outside

Broken deep within
the abuse took seed
and twisted her guts
til it grew a mighty tree

She felt ugly and unwanted, 
rejection was rife
the shit just kept hitting the fan
she tried to take her life

The pain and guilt surrounded
her very soul inside
eating her up completely
hard to recognise

She starred at the abyss
and yearned to fall in
to suffer no more but
she didn't know how to give in

She survived her soul being crushed
she looks back now confused
she doesn't recognise that woman
she is me, is you too

I survived, although I don't know how
I survived, we have that power
I survived, over and over again
She doesn't exist because I survived.


I really do not recognise the person who went through all that.  I know I did but it's like it happened to someone else.  Ce la vie...

Zodiac

week 51

Zodiac

People either believe or don't believe in astrology.  I do. Not Mystic Smeg amounts of gash you read in the papers, but the proper look at the placement of the stars from when you were born etc.

How can the stars define who you are? That's what people scoff... well why not? Yes they are balls of gaseous burning rock millions of miles away and yes, they could even be dead by the time their light reaches our planet, but so what?  Why not believe?  People believe in religion and some of that is frankly insane, delusional and normally would have you committed... but call it religion and it's OK. So why is that OK, but believing in the stars isn't?  It's a rhetorical question really.

I've had my chart done on line and it was scarily accurate.  It wasn't a couple of lines of generalisation, it was fairly in depth.  The description of my star sign is me down to the T. Yes, some are fairly general but the traits outlined are typical to most Pisces I know.

I don't know how it works but it does interest me a lot.  It is a science that has been practiced for thousands of years.  If modern folk want to scoff and put it down, then let them.  So people will argue the toss over anything and have no magic in their souls.

I've also had a look at the Chinese year and what year animal I am... and that's about bang on too. Dragon... rarrr!

So what am I? I am a Pisces, rising sign is Scorpio. Moon sign is Pisces... I'm a typical Pisces... which itself is an oxymoron lol

oh you better believe it!!

As with this craft, it is exploited and the horoscope industry is estimated to be worth billions of pounds a year.  People looking for guidance, turn to their stars to see when they will change... and they get charged for it and there are computer programs with complicated algorithms that 'predict' your future going on a few minor details you supply.  Plotting your astrology chart is more complex than that.  Just like flipping a few cyber tarot cards isn't the same as a physical reading with someone to channel the reading energy and connect to YOU and to read YOU and your situation and to guide you.  Vulnerable people in pain pay... and that is the sad fact of the 'industry'.  Be you pagan or any other faith.  Pain is universal.

Astrology is practiced throughout the world, going back thousands of years. There is something to be found in the stars and where you fit in to the Universe... but many modern methods of this are flawed and should be taken with a grain of salt.... or bucket load!

Yellow

Week 50

Yellow, yes yellow... a wonderful colour that fills our world with life.  I was just researching the Yin Yang to write about it and then remembered I had planned a blog on the colour yellow.

Winter is over and spring is announced when the world springs forth yellow blooms.

The crocus pops up as spring gets ready to announce itself.
It's spring when the daffodils rise and shake their heads at the sun.

When the forsythia turns the hedges from green to brilliant yellow, it's nearly summer.

The sun! Oh that glorious burning star in the sky that gives us light and warmth, beams to us yellow. 

When the sun rises and sets, the world is bathed in a myriad of yellow and golden hues.

The solstice celebrates the death and birth of the sun. The decent and ascent of the sun in our skies. The length of the day and night - how much sun rays soak us.

Seasonal affective disorder is sun-depression. The lack of yellow, of light, of life giving rays.

Yellow is healing - the solar plexus chakra is represent by the colour yellow. The breath of life aka Manna, represented by the Dolphin in the medicine cards.

Walking on the golden sands, sun in the sky, waves lapping the shore - these are beautiful moments.

Citrine

USES: Citrine is a premier stone of manifestation, imagination, and personal will. Carrying the power of the sun, it is warm and comforting, energizing and life giving. It stimulates the chakras like the sunlight of spring, clearing the mind and stirring the soul to action. Its frequency awakens creativity and imagination, and sustains the process of transforming dreams and wishes into tangible form. With its pure yellow energy, Citrine encourages fullness of life, fresh beginnings and new pursuits.  Citrine is a popular healing and meditation crystal. This natural Citrine with its internal dynamics is reported to be able to clarify your thoughts and allow the creative juices to flow in your mind. Source 

Look at the keywords used here: pure yellow energy; fullness of life; life giving; energizing; like sunlight of spring .... none of these are my words, yet this yellow crystal has been found to hold the qualities above and is described as being like sunlight, life giving and energizing.  It is a stone I do not have, but I've been drawn to it lately, obviously because I need some of what it has to give.

Those who heal, channel golden light through themselves, as a vessel.  Yellow is a powerful colour. Betty Shine spoke of colour healing in her books, wearing an item of clothing to project that energy. For example, if you needed to speak with confidence, you'd wear the colour associated with your throat chakra - blue.  You would wear blue jewellery, or a scarf or a top. It is thought that colour is part of you aura.... some people are colourful, vibrant and full of life.  Some need colour in their life.

Every year my sister runs away abroad, to sunnier climes. Not necessarily warmer, but where there is a lot of daylight. She has SAD, lack of sun sickness, really kicks in a massive bout of depression. I think that in the winter months, while we have shorter days, the suns intensity is greater. The skies are blue, the air crisp, the sun is brilliant.  The sunrise and sunset are spectacular and leave you in awe at the coloured spectacle around you.  Whilst it's not my favourite season, it isn't all doom and gloom and should be seen without blinkers on.

Parachutes

I bought this album back in 2002 and didn't really click with it at all. I was going to take it back... then I had a massive nervous breakdown.  I recall lying in a bath, totally locked away in a horrible depression and Parachutes was playing on my stereo.  I had heard the album a few times before and it was background noise really.  The half way through the album, something clicked. It was a lightbulb moment. The music lifted me up and the words washed my depression away.  People say that Coldplay is depressing but that's because they haven't listened to the lyrics, really listened to the way the music reaches in and pulls you up.  I was suicidal at that time and had tried to crash my car.... after the light went on, I didn't want to die anymore. I felt alive.  Whenever the black dog pays me a visit, when I feel really really low, I play Parachutes and I feel better.  It's my medicine. Yellow was the track that did it.  He looks so young in the video lol...

Look at the world around you, look outside your bubble. The Universe is bigger than you think and it is trying to show you it's messages of splendor. Take your blinkers off and SEE what is truly there. The colour yellow is one we couldn't live without.  

May the sunbeams find you. Live life and love /|\

winter sunset

winter sunset

summer sun

autumn sunset

autumn sunset

dead oak, winter sunset

summer sunset

summer solstice sunset at Long Meg

summer solstice sunrise at Castlerigg

Spring is coming...

You-le

week 49

The Guardian newspaper. Image by Ben Birchall (c)

Winter Solstice is fast approaching. It's minutes into the 1st of December as I type this and it's only 20 days until the solstice.  The sun is already almost at the lowest it will get on the horizon and after the solstice, will start to climb a little higher each day, thus our days will become longer. The winter solstice is the shortest day of the year and falls on the 21st-23rd of December.

Actually it's 6 days until the solstice, I've done it again, I've not blogged on time! Dammit... actually it's well past the solstice now and new years eve day.... I'm so pants!

I had planned to attend the solstice celebrations at Stonehenge this year but alas, finances will not permit it.  I'm not sure what I am going to do instead. I don't really 'celebrate' the festivals, I give them the nod and observe the change of seasons as the next stage of life/death unfolds.

That's what the festivals are for, to give thanks for the changing season and to ask for the harvest to grow; to give thanks for the harvest; to feast the birth and death of the sun.  According to Prof Ron Hutton in his book The Staions of the Sun, the Roman church decided in about 400AD that there was too many festivals in December, 27 I think and that it needed to be whittled in to one - Christmas. Jesus wasn't born in December, that is just the date the church decided on. It is said he was born in March time, make sense that he'd be a Pisces, they are the best healers ;)

There are all kinds of traditions associated with Yule.  Each region will have a variation of these traditions.  In Brighton, they 'burn the clocks' a new festival started 20 years ago for all faiths to celebrate the solstice. This is a decent site with some traditions on. There is this article on the BBC website, although I think it's inaccurate. I'm fairly sure the druids didn't start the yule log tradition and mistletoe rarely grows on oaks, it's found on many other trees but when it's found on oak, it's very special indeed.

Here's what happened at Stonehenge for the winter solstice this year, the weather was a lot better than last year and there was less complaints about staff attitude and being harassed to be in and out within an hour and a half.  The Round Table talks and many complaints, improved matters greatly.

The Guardian reported this article
The Daily Fail did they usual level of accurate reporting and wrote this article
BBC article
National Geographic article

It is believed that most stone circles/monuments are aligned for the winter solstice, which is a theory I believe in.  Orkney article . Newgrange article (and check out Paul Deveruax's books on this)

So why did I call this blog you-le.... well it's a play on words of course. What YOU do to celebrate yule/solstice is up to YOU. You create your own traditions and you don't have to subscribe to any one elses version of ancient ways.  Hell, you can even create your own... and why not. Burning the clocks looks like a good craic and it brings all together.

I don't celebrate New Year really, nor have resolutions for improvement. For ME the new year is Samhain.  I strive to be a better person every day and not just some empty gesture once a year. Whatever YOU do, I hope you have a wonderful year ahead.

Be yourself, be well, be happy /|\

Music to blog too (x)

week 47

Music to blog to

My creative stint appears to be every 3 weeks, when I find myself blogging until the birds are yawning and up early to catch them worms, I listen to a collection of new age music.  So as 'x' is a free card week, I shall give you the list of awesome music I play whilst typing my thoughts for Pagan Blog Project.

• Sacred Spirit. I have had this cd for about 20 years and I have yet to tire of it. Ambient, trancy in places and haunting... you can still buy it from Amazon or other places.  I play this during my tarot readings, spirit work etc.  The YouTube link below is the whole album... some heated comments on this video but I say ignore them and don't get drawn in by YouTrolls and enjoy the journey.

• Nigel Shaw - Requiem.  I met Nigel a few years back when he was performing for his friends, at their handfasting.  I had a chat with him about playing the native american flute and where to get music sheets from... really nice chap and very talented musician.  I really need to check out the rest of his work but Requiem is spine tinglingly good. Opens me up and takes me away. If you're interested, visit the website to purchase the music and other arts.  Nigel Shaw's YouTube channel can be found via the video below.

• Dragonfly Moon - Full Circle.  I met Scott and Susan at Beltane Bash in London a few years go when they were teaching a drumming class and performing. They were also performing at the handfasting that Nigel was (all good friends).  A lovely couple who live on a little Scottish island. Scott and Susan work as Dragonfly Moon and have released a few solo albums too, all of which I own.  My favourite is Full Circle, with Rigatona's daughter being a close second. Scott once said to me that he was taught music classically for 15 years and then spent the next 15 unlearning it.  Both very talented musician and song writers. If you get a chance to see them, do!  Here is a video I compiled with my images, set to two of their songs from Full Circle.  I'm a bit out of touch it seems... just looking on their facebook page and it seems they are no longer performing and aren't together anymore either.  Bummer :(  Reverb

• Peter Nightingale - Last Buffalo. An amazing flute player, he can make a tune out of ANYTHING. I can't find anything online to share. He's on my Facebook friends and travels to the USA a lot to be part of tribal ceremonies. 
• David Maracles - Spirit Flutes. You know those cd's you get at garden centres? The ones with the button, you press and it plays a track of each album displayed... well I got one from Woolworths years ago that I still play often.  Chilled out native Amercian style music. 

There's a few more but they should keep you busy for now.

Weddings

Week 46

Weddings

Or as they are known in pagan circles - handfastings.  I have attended many handfastings over the years and not one of them has been the same.  Even though many of the couples were druid or wiccan, their ceremonies were very different from each others.  The one thing that was evident in all of them, is love and honouring nature as part of their ceremony.

It is said that the origins of the term 'tying the knot' derives from when the couple are bound together during the ceremony.  Handfastings are a year and a day or life. Our current marriage laws says you cannot divorce until you have been married for a year and a day.  Even though our marriage ceremonies and laws in the UK are based on the old ways, handfasting is not a legally binding marriage.  If you want to be married in the eyes of the law, you need to perform the ceremony again at a registrars or have an officiating person at a registered location, like many hotels now do.

I have never been married, I've not been asked since I was 16, which was a very long time ago now. I have often thought about how I'd like my ceremony to be and where.  It would be nice to have it at a stone circle or sacred place and then feast afterwards.  A proper wedding feast, with roasting meat, a big fire pit, big cheese wheels, fresh baked bread and simple foods. Traditionally brewed ales, meads and ciders... it's all good lol.  No white dress for me! Me in a dress actually, excuse me while I throw back my head and say hahahahahahahahahahaahhaha! Who knows, it might happen, just like someone may want to marry me one day. Meh.

Anyway... back to handfastings. I like the idea of doing this rather than the official route. I like the idea that if it doesn't work out, you can just untie the knot and go your separate ways. Willie Nelson jokes 'why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!' I would hate to spend thousands on a plush wedding for the whole reason of the celebration to be marred by pressure of organising it. I've photographed a few weddings and handfastings over the years and I keep in touch with many of the couples. Most are still together but some fell out spectacularly.  I feel sad when I look back at these wonderful celebrations and remember the love shared, the love I captured on camera, and it's gone.

I'm a biker too, so a simple ceremony and a big feast really appeals to me.  I never have been one for pomp and ceremony. Below are a collection of images that I have taken, of handfastings.  Enjoy.

Summer solstice 2007 at Avebury. Most in attendance were druidic. Bard recital and jumping of the broom.  Sadly, they are no longer together but it was a spectacular and wonderful day.

Summer solstice weekend 2007 at Avebury. God/Goddess walk, which met and formed a staff arch, which the bride and groom walked through.

Always makes me feel sad when I see pics of Ghyll, RIP mate

A poem I wrote in their wedding album I created:

In the core of our souls

Our love spirals around

The trees and stones witness

Our ancient pledge to the land

With friends and kin present

With the Warband did raise

Their hearts and love to us both

Stepping through the arch of staves

Our hearts and soul unite

As our King binds us both

Hand to hand, heart to heart

Forever betrothed 

Random Avebury handfastings, after the Gorsedd, multiple couples

August 2007, Windmill Hill, Avebury. Already married, they renewed their vows with this handfasting ceremony. Most of them were druids, very different to other ceremonies I'd been too. Conducted at dusk, the light quickly faded, which made for some lowlight images.

God walk at sundown

My son with his twin friends

 

I was invited to attend a handfasting of a couple at a farm in Cumbria. My archdruid friend was conducting the ceremony.  The celebration leaned more towards the traditional wedding with a big wig wam tent, tables of wedding food and lots of family and friends in formal dress.

Hog roast wins every day!

Castlerigg 2007 - one of my favourite stone circles, with two of my favourite people.

RIP Fintan

Winter solstice 2009 at Avebury. Mostly druids but a heavy wiccan influence. Sadly, these two aren't together anymore and Ghyll passed over last year.