I

Week 18

From a very young age, you develop the sense of 'I', who you are, what makes you an individual. Your character develops and you become your own person. This is before you're walking.  You don't stop developing who you are, as a kid, as a teenager, as a young adult, as a parent - til the day you die. The friends you have, the people you love, the music you enjoy, the places you go... everything is every day changing in who you are.  More so when you're made aware of your spiritual path, be it a religion or spiritual path, it applies to it all.  I can only discuss my own experience of this though.  A bit about where I am now and who I am.

I recall cycling down a hill in town and thinking 'what religion should I follow'. I'd left school (I was about 17), I knew about the main religions and what they get up to, so I went through each one in my head, weighing up the pros and cons and if any of them felt right.  They didn't.  So I wasn't anything. I'd been raised in a Church of England village, went to a CoF school, had been Christened and brainwashed by the school and Brownies to go to church every Sunday, to sing the hymns in class and have a Christian view of the world.  I still think I'm more Christian than those who claim they are lol.. but that's another story.

Anyway..... nothing fit. It wasn't until 1998 that I found spiritualism but it still wasn't quite right. Then a couple of years later, the thing I felt, the thing I believed in was given a name - pagan.  Of course you later find out that it was a derogatory name and was an umbrella term but it was an identity, a place to start on the path. And boy was that path a twisty one!  This was around the time of Charmed, so finding books on the subject of paganism was a tad fluffy and targeted the teenage market.  That was another thing, this became fashionable.  Everyone was suddenly a witch, wearing the jewellery and outfits and claiming ancient heritage - which upset those on those paths. It made a mockery of their journey, or so they cried.

At the time, online forums were the place to go to learn, to meet like-minded people and meet at events. I certainly learned a lot about people! I met some good ones, whom I still keep in touch with and some absolute (insert expletive of your choice here) who still rear their poisonous Hydra heads when you least expect it.  I learnt a lot about myself but most importantly, I learned what I am NOT.  I discussed in my Blue Crow blog about how I found my name and what it meant. I have covered part of this before.  I learnt it was ok not to know where you are going on your path, what you're doing or how to do it. I learned that you don't have to know these things, just let your heart guide you.  I haven't gotten anything out of a book to help me in this way, it's all come from within my self and the world around me.  I learned that in spite of these people out there who will shoot you down, who make themselves out to be some kind of forum-messiah, that they only taught me what I didn't want to be - a know-it-all fuckwit.  In hindsight, and it is in hindsight because I beat myself up about 'why' for years, I do not need their approval to be who I am.  They are keyboard warriors, they don't do anything constructive and they poison people. That said, they did teach me those lessons and for that, at least I should be thankful.  What am I saying?! Did I just hear myself saying I was grateful for being treated like shit? No way... well yeah, I did lol.  Remember my words from the last blog (what do you mean you didn't read it! lol) ...

"Every now and then, you have to go back through the door of your past and see exactly what brought you to the present -where you are now. By looking at your past in this way, you can recognise how much you have truly grown as a person, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The doors of the past should never be shut, as they will inevitable seal the progression of your future self."

So as hard as those lessons were, they are part of who you are now. Slam the door on those (insert expletive here), learn from it, move on. Keep screenshots!

My best advice to give those starting on their paths or even those halfway up them is this:

Be yourself. 

Go where your heart takes you. 

Listen to your gut feelings, 
they are rarely wrong.

Like attracts like

It's ok to be you - be an individual

You are not a sheep or a shepherd

Think for yourself - not others.

Never let anyone make you feel,

that you don't deserve what you want.

Be you.

Avebury sheep... no really it is! 

You never stop learning. You never stop finding out who 'you' are. You are you. It's ok to be you...