Stories held hostage

This week I was listening to Rabbi Julia Neuberger give a short sermon on Pause for thought, a long running albeit short segment, on the BBC Radio 2 breakfast show.  In this particular Thought, she discussed about the new Holocaust stories, that are still emerging, after all this time. People, she said, didn't want to die with their stories trapped inside them, and even in their 90's, were sharing them for the first time.  'No one should face their death with your story untold and your music inside you'.  'Don't die with your music still inside you.'  This sentence really resonated with me! Julia said that we all have stories to tell, whether extreme or seemingly ordinary - all are valid and important.

I have always said that music is the food for your soul.  Our stories are the lyrics of how our lives are too.  Us humans are social creatures, we need companionship, we need to speak to others about our day and to say the words in our head out loud for SOMEONE to hear, to listen, to interact and respond.  Perhaps that is why loneliness is so utterly soul destroying.  Isolation, no one to talk to, no one to listen to you, no one to care for, no one to care for you, time to turn inwards and self destruct, talking to yourself, rambling on to anyone you meet (and watching the alarm that causes) and finally feeling like you are invisible and that the world has forgotten about you.  Sure there's social media but seeing your friends posting pictures and live videos of them having a good time without you, triggers so many negative emotions. You become hopeful when they all share the 'look out for lonely friends and reach out to them' posts... but no one does. You aren't included. You have to suck it up and get on with it. Smile and pretend it's not hurting you.

I love cooking for people. I love to eat food with people. When you eat alone, you're just fuelling your body or feeding your woes. When you eat with others, you interact with people, you take your time eating, you savour the food and you enjoy it.  Eating alone sucks. You end up not cooking yourself anything because it's just you. So it's bowls of cereal instead of proper meals, weight gain because depression suppresses your appetite and your body starves for calories, fluids and the company of someone, ANYONE to remind you that you are part of the human race.  Lonely people are slowly dying inside. Everyone can see it, few realise their company can cure it.

These last 2 years have seen a lot of friends mainly leave my life. You can't help but wonder why. What is it about you that makes you so easy to discard, when previously you were valued? This applies to exes too! I had such a close knit group of friends, not even that long ago. Life takes us all off in different directions, friends come and go... but so many went around the same time.  It really hurt me.  I blame myself but then I get angry at that because I didn't do anything wrong for them to do that. The really painful bit is the realisation that they had so little respect for you, such low worth of your friendship, that they could just go from your life without even an argument or real reason.  How does it go from one extreme to another, so quickly?  These are the questions that tear me up inside. Of course, I'm far too tough to admit it and I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I'm vulnerable.  I am. Sure, I've made mistakes but ultimately, I was more a friend to them, than they were to me. I hate saying that.

My story comprises mostly of pain. If I was a book character, I'd like to be Elizabeth Bennett, she's fiesty, intelligent and astute!  Did you know that I've written a book?  A collection of poems, musings, blogs and photographs I've penned since I was 13. Blimey, that was a decade ago!  Book 2 would look like what? Not very interesting I think.  My stories are stuff of horror.  I really shouldn't be here to type this.  I can't seem to remember my other stories, ones that aren't written in pain and injustice, they've been blocked out by the bad. Normal memories are gone, bad ones remain.  Laughter chases them away, loneliness brings them back and amplifies them.  I don't want to die with my stories trapped inside of me, not these stories anyway.  I want some normal tales to tell. Normal for me shouldn't be what my life has been so far.  I've had counselling in the past. I am a survivor. I've overcome. Call me a victim and I'll get really angry, really fucking quickly.  Back in 2001, I went through more traumatic incidents in 6 months, than most people face in a life time. I wouldn't wish any of that on anyone.  Counselling helped to a degree but I just can't get past it, it's still consumes me and affects my life still.  When bad things happen to you, you've lost control of your narrative, so then develop a defensive mechanism to regain control, usually it's really unhealthy.  The more I look into it, the more I realise I have PTSD.  It is my intention to ask my GP to refer me for more therapy but specialised.  I don't have control, I am controlled by past trauma, which triggers panic attacks etc.

The tops of my socks have been pulled off.  Sucking it up didn't work.  I am broken.  I need my friends to be my friends. I don't mind the solitude but I can't survive this loneliness.  I don't want your pity.  This isn't a poor me post.  I was there for many when their worlds crumbled around them. I was there to pick them up, dust them off and build them back up.  Everyone has their own lives to live, I understand that. Stop being so fucking selfish!  People kill themselves and then we say 'oh, why didn't they say anything?' they did. you weren't paying attention. Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Good. Sharing 'reach out' posts on Facebook means fuck all if you don't walk your talk.  Did you know I created a secret group for some friends who feel they can't share their down time with their FB friends?  Cries for help get ignored. It's 'drama'. It's attention seeking. It's well outside your comfort zone and you'd rather click like on cat pictures, than reach out to a friend in crisis.   No one says you have to rescue us but what you can't do, is PRETEND to give a shit, tell people you're there for them and 'you're always listening', and then IGNORE those who are trying to reach out.  My group exists because of people like that.  You aren't a good person for sharing that meaningless shit, it's purely YOU seeking attention, wanting approval for being someone you're not. For example: I share that I'm feeling down, I get 2 comments and 7 likes. I share some silly video or funny meme and I get 20+ comments and nearly 100 likes!  That's disgraceful!

I don't want this to be the only story I have to tell but it's the one I'm living in right now.  If you don't bother with me and then ask me how I am, I'm going to blurt out how I feel because it's been building up, ready to burst. I have other things to say but when you're not around, you won't hear the good stuff. My group do! If you aren't there for me when I am down, then you don't deserve to be my friend when it's going well.

The music inside me is beautiful. That is the story I want to tell.